I am tired. I am sleep deprived. I have 5 kids. I home school. I live in a tiny house with 7 people. I have a newborn baby. I have a house I don't like. I have a yard without a fence. I have a monkey of a 2 year old that is my ever constant demise. I can go blah, blah, blah of excuses. But what it comes down to, I am not acting like a mom should.
I am tired. When I have a stress trigger pulled, I yell and have a temper tantrum like the worst of an ill behaved 3 year old. I am ashamed and yet, I haven't stopped it. I do apologize is my only redeeming quality.
I feel like I am missing some key important parenting tools in my tool box. Unfortunately, I have some really bad ones that I haven't been able to stop from using. The HULK tool. I was handed the Hulk tool for my tool box from my own mom. The Hulk tool resembles flying off the handle over every little thing. Shaming. Looking to always find a guilty party to blame with the constant who did this yell. Threats, threats, threats of doing some over the top things for not pleasing me. Distracted while interacting. My triggers go off and I turn into a monster. I really think in my childish fits, I could flip a car!
I know that if I was not so exhausted, I wouldn't come close to using or considering the Hulk tool. In fact, up until a year or two ago, I did not even know I owned it. Well, 5 children in 8 years with a husband over working himself to feed and roof the clan, well I just got tired. And when I mean tired, I mean not a sense left in me. In the past few years, I have had passing by glimpses of my once vibrant self, but shortly later I would find myself in the trials of morning sickness. I wouldn't take a day back, if it meant not having a single one of my blessed children.
But I am tired and I act like a monster. Head down in shame, I am even known for throwing things. Hmmm, great thing I want to teach my children.
First step is acknowledging it! So my mantra is, "Lord, please do not let me be the Hulk" when I begin getting aggravated At this time I might not be able to get my energy back and I might not get the stress triggers to go either, but I can pray that I can react in a more nurturing way than an aggressive child like manner. Will you pray for me too?
~trish, a recovering HULK parent tool user!