Get me out of my routine and the worst of me comes out. This is terribly hard for me to write. For those who know me well, like my mother or even my mother in law, this post would only confirm what they know to be true.
I might, who am I kidding, I am really bossy with my OPINIONS. Ouch, they are just opinions. See I
might be am a know-it-all, as my father in law calls these wonderful people, KIAs. Get it, Know It All, KIA. Well, see this bit of a KIA problem might have a little bit to do with that train I want to drive. As a want to be train driver, the engineer in me sees things so blue and white gridded lines with a ruler and pencil.
I am so bad, I will walk in my mother in laws house and tell her what needs to be moved to make a better flow and efficiency to her home. I must have some mother in law, because anyone else will tell me where to go and how to get there. My mouth will literally spout off exactly what I am thinking before my good sense had enough time to stop it. Get me a perfect stranger that might want to be a good friend and I will run them down in 3 weeks top by telling them how to be “better”. What a jerk I am.
I think this might be a pride thing. And if I am noticing that I am bossing everyone around and telling them how to be better (shamefully, like me), then God has a huge slice of humble pie for me to swim in just around the corner. I will eat the last bit of it embarrassed and ashamed of my sin and ugliness. I will ask forgiveness of my pompous air from people, wonderful people, who had finally had enough of me.
This is how it goes for me. I spend a bunch of time alone (adult alone), me and the kids doing our thing. During these days, I seek advise from others (Christians) to be a steward of my blessings (i.e., children, order, home, etc.). So I spend my time in a relative isolation sharpening my skills with satisfaction. I am blessed with wonderful friends who limitedly enter my home by God’s hand to help refine me. I get so comfortable with my blessings and work my craft efficiently.
In my excitement at how wonderful things come together, I cannot help but share the knowledge I gain. When I say share, I am talking about anyone who is not walking fast enough away from me and I somehow have managed to sit on them. You want to talk to me, it will be about my favorite topics:frugal, kids, birth, raising mindful kids, homeschooling, sewing, or being efficient. Go outside that, I won’t have time for it and I will justify it. See, what a jerk.
Now after a while, I will find people interested and then you get this “WOW” factor from them. This is my problem, at this point my head inflates and my heart is deflated in comparison. My head is so busy being great that I forget to put my heart into the conversation. I begin to act and treat people as if the only way to be good enough is to be like me. Ahh, this is when my heart breaks because this is not how I want to treat someone or anyone.
With my pencil and ruler I will draft out a better way for them, for their home, budget, children, kitchen, or anything else in the homemaking craft. My straight forth demeanor will seem as though I am throwing sledge hammers into a glass shop. Unfortunately (told to me by many a boss) , I call it like I see it and lack the tack to gently present it. Either you will love me or you will hate me and you will know soon enough.
Sadly, I am doing this because my heart wants to best for you and want everything you are and have to be better for you. I have no ugliness desired about it or sense of I am better than this. But it doesn’t matter, the devil will help inflate my head so much and I will get so busy fixing everything and everyone that my heart won’t even be part of it anymore. In fact, I will go back to my unsaved dumpster mentality that I am busy fixing, because nothing is good enough or anyone, most of all, me.
So the Miss Bossy Pants who happens to Know-it-all has surfaced and I must squash her out. But I know there is no way to do that without His help. And you know, that Miss Bossy pants can‘t figure out what to pray for forgiveness for! How could I be a sinner when I know it all. AHHH! When my pray life is lacking it is because SHE showed up with her big headed pride.
If I follow the typical routine. I will aggravate and alienate most everyone. I will go back to solitude and seek council to be better. Sharpen my skills with success. Tell everyone in sight and get ugly all over again.
SO the best thing I can do is stop it all before it continues along. Trash my pride and give it to the Lord. Ask for forgiveness from everyone I have been around for any length of time at one sitting. Shut my trap and open my ears. And if someone wants to know, then tell them. But what works for me, doesn’t mean it works for everyone.
Did I also tell you, that I feel led that my job from God is to share with others how God has blessed me to be a good steward of my blessings. And that sharing in this blessing, I need to teach others. Hmm, I am walking a fine line. Is it that when you are doing God’s most profound work, the devil will work hard to distort it anyway he can.
So I pray I am on God’s path and I will work at sharing my experience as God has given me and to keep my mouth shut more than it is moving and my ears open, before my mouth gets to yapping. I better get busy apologizing.
~trish (had to give a picture of my favorite Miss Bossy pants that fills up my heart with goodness.)