With coming to terms with my hulk issues, I have been spending the last month in prayer and my eyes open to change. Do I want my kids to look back in disgust with the way I handled things or do I want them to look back at their childhood and cherish our time together. I try to consider this when I get overwhelmed.
Now I have actively gone 9 days without yelling. Not that raising your voice is wrong, but it becomes useless when that is how you speak, squawk, all the time. I had a friend, a great friend indeed, point out that I was operating at a level 3 all the time. Embarrassingly enough, I didn't even recognize it. It had so slowly crept into my nature that I didn't even know it was there. And the embarrassing part was that I can't stand people who act this way. No wonder why I was so frustrated.
So 9 days is huge when you realize this is all I did, all day long. On this journey, I have been paying attention to the triggers that would set me off to yell. I like calling the triggers, because, we'll I don't know, I could explode? The biggest culprit I found were these little things that would irritate me to no end. As I began identifying them, I realized that I wasn't always yelling toward my blessed children because they were doing WRONG, it was more that it was something I preferred not done.
Hmm, a good example. Of course I tell myself all the time, "preference or problem?" To keep me in check. Let see the way the stuff gets put away in the utensil drawer for cooking. Is it in there? Yes. Is it useable? Yes. Does the drawer closed? Yes. Did I have to bend over the dishwasher to empty it and put it ALL away? Well, no. Is this really a problem or is it a preference? Hmm, guess just a preference.
After giving this a lot of thought, I realized I was after my kids about itty bitty not important nick picky stuff and I was ashamed. Well not at first, I was still deep breathing and talking to myself that I need to get over myself and my selfish demands that could ruin a lovely day because I want to let everyone know I didn't like this and never, ever do it again. Oh my, what a beast I could be. Worst was how bad it made me feel, my agitation making my blood pump harder, agitation moved to irritability, and then to anger and bitterness.
So my husband and have kept each other in check and prayed to Jesus to lead us by the hand like children. We have made bigger progress than I would have expected. I have had some real tender moments with my children individually this last week that haven't been available before.